Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend