*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast