Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business