boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I think this should do it.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.