to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
This could be us but you eatin’
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.