When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Safety first
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
no one likes gloating
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.