Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
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My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”