Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Morning my dudes.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved