COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
How did we not see this back then?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot