“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I missed you with all my darts
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
A short story about romance.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out