“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
You Might Also Like
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.