Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.