Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂