I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?