Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Beware…..
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”