Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”