[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.