I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I’m listening
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side