I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.