It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
why no one uses midhusbands
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
bears
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first