I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You Might Also Like
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Ferrari squats
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.