*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My dog learned how to text
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.