Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My current situation
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.