[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
When he asks for feet pics
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I am crying
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!