If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.