Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
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Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Erm…
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.