The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?