My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sunday
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets