6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?