I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.