Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
#CatsOnTwitter
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.