Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
You Might Also Like
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
#Caturday
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.