Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
You Might Also Like
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Message from the dog groomers
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My blood type is b hungry.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…