If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
not for long
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Stick it to the man
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..