I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.