It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.