Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
bought wrong eggs
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory