Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Strange
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
adding to the discourse
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
are there any atheist mantises?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.