*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.