Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me when my alarm goes off
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it