Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.