Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead