I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
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I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.