Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
You Might Also Like
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Sharon, call the vet
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Mornin