Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
#Caturday
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
#parenting
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old