Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.