If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
2022 be like
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Y’all know who you are.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!