I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously