I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
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Skills
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.