My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting